So, 1996. We’ve already done this, we can skip this part. Alright, now, how can I make this quick? After scoring pole for 1996 Monaco Grand Prix, Michael Schumacher slowed down to acknowledge the crowd, but he didn’t expect that Gerhard Berger was coming in a hot lap behind him, and try as he might, the German couldn’t get out of the way, and fucked the Austrian. I could try and make a geopolitical joke here but, I’m not sure it would be quite accurate. Everything was looking fine for Sunday’s race, but heavy rain fell down after the morning warmup session, throwing a wrench to everybody’s plans. That seems to be quite a pattern this season. The starting grid was Schumacher, Hill, Alesi, Berger, Coulthard, and Barrichello. During the actual warmup session for the wet conditions, Andrea Montermini crashed his Forti on the exit of the tunnel, and wasn’t able to make the start. There’s no punchline here, Forti Corse is the joke. *wow harsh* (But true) Hey, cool! Alan Partridge is still there. European fashion: flamboyant and one decade removed. If any of you ever dreamed of seeing Michael Schumacher in a McLaren, you’re at least gonna be able to pretend today. Fuuuck meee, Ayrton Senna was REALLY OP. (Murray Walker): And he was fastest in all three sectors in qualifying and is absolutely mystified why he’s down in 16th position on the grid. Maybe because he wasn’t really the fastest? Oh shit, great, the sun went out! This European Union thing is going a bit overboard; free travel, single currency, single newspaper, no wonder the UK wants out! The 1996 Monaco Grand Prix is go and the cars slowly make it off their grid spots and Brundle jumps a good bunch of cars when, SURPRISE! Damon Hill overtakes Michael Schumacher before the first turn! Jos “The Boss” Dadstappen nonchalantly hits the outside barriers on dry tyres, because that’s always a good idea, and yay! We’ve had an exciting start for once in this series! *WOOHOO :D* Tell me who in their right mind would put ANY hopes on Fisichella’s future judging only by his rookie season. *Eddie Jordan?* ♪And there you are♪ ♪It’s an illusion shining down-♪ Oh. Wait, wrong Ferrari driver. Heh. Well, anyway, Chris is gonna soak his pillow tonight. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ) This is basically how Vettel’s 2016 season has gone so far. I throw a little bit of shit at the competition, and I get the whole payback. Heh. Sure, I guess I deserve it. Eddie Irvine pulls a Max Verstappen before it was cool. Katagrama’s left without any grass to catch today, so he just bins it on the wall, which is close enough. What? Who’s that? (Jonathan Palmer): -and that’s Rosset in the- in the other-
(FUCK, THIS CAME OUT WRONG) I’ve never heard of him, you’re just making stuff up. Mr. Headroom, glad to see your transitions are on point. Pay driver pride of the homeland, dead on his tracks. Come on, man, don’t you know it’s rude to talk while holding up a laptop to your face? Michael Schumacher not only took all the good engineers from Benetton, he also took all the good clutches. Yeah, I was about to suggest you do just that. *Sleep in the cockpit?* (Retire) (MW): …and I start to worry about how many cars we’re gonna have left to talk about at the end of the race- At this pace, I wouldn’t be getting worried, I’d be getting desperate. Looking at this footage nowadays, it’s quite unbelievable to think that this is a Sauber keeping up with a Ferrari. *Watch Malaysia 2012* Oh, the things that 20 years and a bit of mismanagement will do to a team. *More like 2 lol* I mean, this is far removed from what we see nowadays. It kinda makes me feel bad. Uh, I guess not THAT far removed. (MW): Well, here’s something that very few people know, uh: (MW): Olivier Panis is the only man to have overtaken another car here today, and he’s done it twice. State of Monaco, everyone. (MW): Mika Salo, the great rival of Mika Hakkinen, the other Finnish driver- In WHAT way could Mika Salo POSSIBLY rival Mika Hakkinen? Better hair? You know, if pitstops were supposed to be secret, they wouldn’t be held in open space! A Williams fail on the pitstop and an FOM fail at the same time? I think we’re witnessing the singularity. Is Kevin Dunn directing these cameras? The ONE time you shouldn’t cut the bumper cam! I know Martin was sad he didn’t get a drive for 1997, but I think he got the better end of the stick here, ’cause it would’ve just been more of this. I COULD criticize this camera angle, but that brake glow maaaaaan. *24 countdown effect* I’ll just pretend you’re cheering on Panis because then I won’t have to think you’re a stupid idiot. Of course, the defining moment of the race is ruined by a bad camera switch, we couldn’t have it any other way. The Ligier DID pretty much come out of the blue there. And Eddie Irvine is left to drive a glorified soapbox. But he gets it going again, and makes his way to the pits, which is super craic. Who needs jackmen when you have brute manpower? Michael Schumacher may have gotten all the good clutches from Benetton, but he kept them all for himself. At least the blue flags are right this time around. *Curb Your Enthusiasm theme plays* We’re running out of things to make happen, have some déjà vu! (Tony Jardine): Well, to be honest, we could’ve done with the champagne from you tonight! (Damon Hill): Yeah, well, we’ll still have some champagne, whatever. Who says champagne is only for winners, anyway? *Eddie Jordan?* *24 countdown* Ooh boy, here we go again. This race is cursed! Nobody’s supposed to win! Alesi must be cursed for the rest of his career, for sure. A beautiful time for Badoer to remind us of his existence. Especially considering this. I could poke more fun at Villeneuve and his inability, but the real culprit here is the moving chicane, so he gets a pass this one time. It’s not a real Monaco race if I don’t get triggered by the cranes. Forti, more like Deboli. And we’re not done with the déjà vu just yet. But it’s never too late for a great trainwreck. *Countdown theme becoming more intense* *Oh shit, what’s gonna happen?* *TIME* *EXPIRED* *What now?* And after two hours and 75 laps, the chequered flag waves as Olivier Panis wins the 1996 Monaco Grand Prix. David Coulthard finishes in 2nd, and Johnny Herbert completes the podium. You know I have to give credit where it’s due; Monaco CAN make a pretty good race sometimes. These are some very nice pictures, so I’m just… gonna leave that in. *VIVE LA RESISTANCE* (Jonathan Palmer?): You know, people, many people think that Monaco is not really a suitable place for a Grand Prix, that it’s anachronism, (JP?): and that uh, it’s only on the calendar through tradition- And those people are right, this race doesn’t change anything. This race was very good. I don’t need to say anything else but that. There were a few short patches where nothing happened but, that’s nothing that detracts from the quality of the whole thing. There was a train of cars from 4th to 7th midway through the race, which was pretty nice to watch, and the way the cars kept dropping off was quite tense, it’s not like nowadays where they drop all- off at once and I just… go completely nuts. I’m sure this was quite amazing to have watched live and… too bad I showed up a year too late for that. But anyway, thank you all very much for watching, and I will see you on the next race.