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2016 Chinese Grand Prix – Mystery Science Theater F1


Next up on our current calendar is the Chinese Grand Prix, so smoggy, that I wouldn’t blame you if you tried to wipe dirt off your screen during the race. The weekend started off with a pop. Two, even. It opened up discussions about tyre safety, until it was discovered that tyres had actually nothing to do with it, so… moving on. The good and old qualifying returned after the miserable failure of the eliminator. Since it was really fucking late into the night, I chose to sleep instead of watching it. *So? I watched it live and I live a timezone behind you!* I mean, it’s not like Williams are gonna get pole or anything, right? *When’s that ever gonna happen?* Well, guess what the FUCK happened. Rosberg got pole, so my night was well spent. Behind him were Ricciardo, Raikkonen, Vettel, Bottas, Kvyat, Perez, Sainz, Verstappen, and Massa. Hulkenberg was originally in 10th place, but he dropped three places due to a loose tyre on Q2. Wehrlein had… something happen to him,
*He went into the wall after going over a damp patch on supersoft tyres* and last place was lo and behold, Lewis Hamilton, due to changing gearboxes, therefore incurring a penalty, and problems with his power unit, hindering him from posting a time at all. Jesus fucking Christ, I talk too much. *All racing commentators do, don’t sweat it* (Martin Brundle): -er, inevitably, they have to come in here, switch the motors off, so they don’t… whiz through and cut anybody’s legs off- Well this IS the Chinese Grand Prix. That wouldn’t actually be such a bad prospect. *You sadist* (I literally suggested they run over little kids the year before, this is nothing.) (MB): -struggling over. Let’s just go into, um…

(David Croft speaks as well, something about a tunnel somewhere) (MB): Let’s just go into, uh…

(Crofty says something about getting something out of a flat) Crofty’s trying to get inside my head, save me! (MB): -if he (HAM) moves, if there’s any relative movement between the lights coming on, and him getting away… (MB): he’ll get a jump-start penalty, so you’re not out of sight; out of mind at the back of a grid. But you are shit out of luck, that’s for sure. Jean Todt’s hiding out in the back because he gets triggered by Ferraris. (Jean Todt): You only going to front but this time you’re going to la- in the back. (MB): I spent half of my career down the back of the grid, so I actually feel more comfortable. (chuckle)

(JT also tries to say something) So much pain being expressed in a single sentence. (JT): I think it has been a necessary controversy about qualifying- No it wasn’t. (JT): -there are a lot of things to address in Formula One, even if Formula One remains the pine-acle of motorsport- Formula One is the pineapple of motorsport, that’s the most perfect description ever. *You mean other than your ass and from stealing Chris’ ideas?* Ooh boy, get your tinfoil hats on, it’s time to stir up some unnecessary drama. (MB): Can your man stay with these Ferraris and Mercedes, Daniel Ricciardo in good form? (Helmut Marko): Unfortunately, no. That’s enough faith to put Christian’s to shame. (HM): Uhh… only if we are really lucky, they have problems and we are absolute right with our tyre deg and (indiscernable) our “stragety.” It’s (s)tragedy, alright. No wonder you got the back of the second row, this weekend. (Flustered): I-I-I-I, wait a second, that’s not Emilia! It seems the tables have turned against the Bulls. (Crofty): -Chinese Grand Prix that could be as appetizing as your Sunday morning fry-up, this one- Ben Edwards may be great but Crofty is just too shit to let go. Welcome back. (MB): Personally, I think it’s gonna be an absolutely rubbish race, because whenever we big it up, (laughing) it disappoints us- (Crofty laughs too) Famous last words, although I can see where you’re coming from with that. Ehh… I’m not really a big fan of pork. *Well I haven’t eaten red meat in weeks so I feel you* This is probably going over ten minutes again but, by this point that’s actually a good thing. So, let’s get going. The 2016 Chinese Grand Prix is go and it’s a beautiful start from the top 4, while Magnussen gets roughed up in the back. The Ferraris close up on Bottas because he’s a knob, while Kvyat drops a beautiful divebomb into Vettel, who’s pushed into Raikkonen, and then all hell breaks loose, as Massa shows off his drifting skills, then Hamilton picks up some damage and bfthufbthufbthafthefthuthaf. *10/10 vocabulary* Nothing wants to stay stuck to the cars, it’s like the IndyCar aero kits! I have no national pride left at this point, get in there Seb! *At least you have Brazilians in F1 to cheer for* (Williams is just Stroll-ing at this point.) Look at Jenson, the cheeky bastard, coming out of nowhere. Beautiful. Honey Badger gets well and truly fucked once again. How could this happen to him? (Crofty): -and that is absolute tragedy! Personal tragedy there for Daniel Ricciardo- I hope Helmut Marko is happy with himself. No! Nobody wants you, nobody asked for you! Get the FUCK outta here! You cunt-licking son of a who- (“Lollipop” as performed by The Chordettes plays) Haven’t seen a mess like this since Formula E rolled in. *You should see GP2* Daniil gets Driver of the Day for that move alone. Sacrificing national pride for the greater good, why don’t we see that more often? *Did you watch Bahrain?* (Choking up) It’s so beautiful I think I’m gonna cry. (tearful sniffle) Vettel went full-on tilt in there. So much for the American Dream. Well, that’s not quite something I’m used to seeing. What? WHAT?! WHAT?!?!?! I’m not gonna make fun of that name. (giggling) I’m not gonna make fun of that name. Somebody here is having the time of their lives. (Peter Bonnington): We have a plan. Nothing wrong, all part of the plan. Getting hammered at the start was totally a part of the plan, we’re just playing the Batman gambit. I’m gonna make HUGE bucks with this on AliExpress! Three stops in seven laps. Overly attached pit crew? Anyone? LAUGH AT MY MAYMAYS, PEOPLE! (Sebastian Vettel): Kvyat’s attack was suicidal. There was always gonna be a crash. No way with the speed he had he could’ve done the corner. Considering that he DID, you are actually full of shit. That doesn’t bode too well now, does it? (Crofty): -and the field are all bunched up, apart from poor old Fred Nasr- That’s not funny anymore, Crofty. And there’s my thumbnail. *Mercedes schadenfreude is the BEST* How the FUCK do you lock up at 100 km/h? *It’s easy to do in a go-kart* And we are green flag racing again. I might actually get some sleep if you people chill now. The Bulls trample the rockets as expected. I might have unintentionally made a basketball joke. Almost had a banana split there. Sweeper mode activate! (whiny) This race is so boring, there are no battles, my favorite drivers aren’t in front! This is absolute fucking trash! In Formula One, Mexicans ARE the wall. See Ricciardo about to pull a beautiful double overtake on turn 1? Well, fuck that! Let’s watch Alonso. Walls, however, are but a little nuisance to Germans. *see Berlin in 1989* This is just like Bahrain! We’re just watching the same race over and over and over and over (trailing off) and over and over and over and over and over- There’s so much touching going on, it’s like I’m watching softcore porn! (Crofty): -Sainz has got past him. Right behind comes Daniel Ricciardo and look, who’s that going round the outside of Daniel Ricciardo, (Crofty): or certainly trying to, it’s Lewis Hamilton- With Sky being Sky, you think they would know where Hamilton is by instinct. See that divebomb at the top? Well, not anymore. *At the bottom you can* (Crofty): -cleared to race this weekend by the stewards, (ALO) has Vettel right behind him. $IKE! Got you again! Sebastian Vettel is a dick to his front wing. DING! Look at that, the knob knows how to the sweep. My boy has a cracking future ahead of him! Honey Badger’s flapping his stuff. Well, look who’s just quietly sitting in third. I really hope this TV director isn’t getting paid. That’s probably the second time I’ve seen a penalty for going too slow. The Bulls are cracking the whip. (Crofty): Chinese Grand Prix living up to all expectations. Nah, I expected to be asleep by now. Fortunately I’m not, but- *yawn* who knows, right? (Nico Hulkenberg): I think we should think about the alternate strategy, guys. Think about it. (Bradley Joyce): We’re already on it. We’re already on it. Flawless communication work. Martini, Chandon and Smirnoff all doing battle? I wanna get drunk! (Crofty): Jenson Button is being reeled in here, (Crofty): -uh, like (stammering) a lost fish… in a sea of anglers and- Crofty goes away with the fairies in his metaphors. (Lewis Hamilton): I am. Do you like green eggs and HAM? I do not like them, Sam-I-am. I do not like green eggs and HAM. If Hamilton gets a podium with five stops I’m gonna be damned. I’m gonna switch sides, I’m gonna be Team LH for life. *Traitor!* (MB): Well, it’s rather quiet isn’t it? (laughing) We don’t get to hear too much between the pit wall and the cars,

(Crofty giggles) and I’m- personally, I’m missing a little bit of it, ’cause I think it gives you another dimension to the race. Yeah, I feel you. No one talks through the corners anymore. (Crofty): Well good morning to you, back in the UK, if you’re just waking up, and you’re just joining us- Hey, think of the foreigners, you jerk! I’ve been watching this at 2 AM through totally legal means. *Me too! I watched this on TSN* (Crofty): -we have had overtakes galore, and more pitstops than Ted Kravitz was counting sheep to try and get t-to sleep last night. (Crofty): I’ve never seen so many in the first half of a race, Ted. I’m sure you’d see a lot of them if we had a race in Wales. *Pembrey 2018 where you at? (Crofty): -well, let’s see what the plan is here. (Crofty): DRS assistance along the main straight then, for Sebastian Vettel, (it’s really Kimi Raikkonen) (Crofty): Dany Kvyat’s (actually Carlos Sainz) gonna have to watch himself here as they turn right-handed into turn 1 from over 190 mph, say, (Crofty): uh- into around about… 130 mph as they make that first turn. (Crofty): Going a little bit wider there, “Sebastian Vettel” on the medium compound… (Crofty’s mind, probably): Oh, shit. (Crofty): …tyre. (Crofty’s mind, again, probably): Have I just mistaken Raikkonen and Sainz for Vettel and Kvyat? (Crofty’s mind): How do I get past this? I’ll just act like I was never wrong! (Crofty): So Kimi Raikkonen now- (Clap) (Clap) (Clap) (Clap) (Clap) Crofty just pulled a massive Williams, that was beautiful. Somebody doesn’t look so stressed anymore. *It must be the Dutch angle* Mmm, mozzarella! Sebastian Vettel: wall-breaker, a dick to front wings and plastic pulverizer. Germany finally beats Russia on something! Late-race action, just to make sure you’re still awake. Now you see Max, now you see jack. *Brabham?* Louie Louie’s REALLY keen on getting intimate. (Daniil Kvyat): He (PAL) should get out of my f***ing way. Eh, I’ve heard worse. So many beautiful things I’m witnessing today! Honey Badger has truly run out of fucks to give. Come on Kimi, show Chris who’s the best Finn! (Crofty): -for himself. (DK): Blue f***ing flags! Blue flag rap. EXPLICIT VERSION! Felipe’s doing the impossible! He’s beating Hamilton! (angrily) YOU’RE EIGHT FUCKING YEARS TOO LATE, YOU PINT-SIZED JABRONI!!! That’s a really fast wall. Hamilton is so shit! (cocky laugh) See Lewis Hamilton onboard? Fuck that, let’s watch literally nothing. *Anything’s better than watching Lewis* Evil spirits are haunting me! *You mean like Portugal 1985?* Hickory dickory hop, Penelope cracked and popped! (Crofty): -uh, Ted, to you, sir. (Ted Kravitz): Max Verstappen- Ted Kravitz pronouncing “Verstappen” correctly? What the hell is going on? First, Rosberg is winning everything and now this? The world is surely about to end! Hahaha, look at him, what a knob! Hahaha! (Gary Gannon): Two to go, Romain, two to go, hang in there. (Romain Grosjean): Yeah, that’s why I’m asking if you want to retire the car, there’s a problem in the car somewhere, it’s undriveable today. (GG): Understood, but we do not want to retire the car, we do not want to retire. Just hang in there. The American Dream is dead. *Which is why we need to make it great again! /s* Jenson Button graces our leader with celebratory smoke, as Nico Rosberg wins the 2016 Chinese Grand Prix! His sixth victory in a row, but the three victories last year don’t really count, right? ‘Cause they were- last- year, or something, right? While Sebastian Vettel finishes in second place, and Daniil Kvyat finishes in third. Special mentions go to the incredible Daniel Ricciardo in 4th, and Lewis Hamilton in 7th place. I’m not gonna lie, some spring rolls would be pretty nice right now. Or anything really, I’m fucking starving. (Tony Ross): HAROO!!! Well done, excellent drive, absolutely dominant! Tony Ross still doesn’t know how to sound happy. Marvellous. (SV): Yeah, again- massive apologies- scusa mi- massive apologies to the team but uh, surely I didn’t do it on purpose and I’m really sorry for Kimi. (SV): Was nothing I could do, Kvyat came like a- torpedo, and I had to react, and there was no way out. Jeez, man, let it go. First thing I’ll ever do if we meet in person is punching you in the face because I’m gonna be so FUCKING HAPPY! I AM GOING TO CHOKE YOU SO FUCKING HARD! (SV): You asking what happened at the start? (SV): If I don’t go to the left you crash into us and we all three go out. (DK): Well, I was there-

(SV): No, no “well.” (SV): You came- you came like a torpedo. (DK): Well, that’s racing. (DK laughs) (SV): Yeah, racing, but you- It’s World War II all over again! Bombs are gonna drop! CAPS ARE GONNA FLY! Happy Easter! (Kai Ebel): Ni hao! Fei cheng gan chu, ni man chu, chi ban de, qan xiung! (That’s what I can discern) And with that, this episode is over. In the history of this sport, only 4 drivers have won six races in a row. And none of those drivers are Lewis Hamilton. That’s my biggest takeaway from China. Just when you think the season’s gonna give you up and let you down and run around and desert you, it comes back like this. It’s probably the first great- truly great Chinese Grand Prix in its 13-year history. *2007?* (TRULY great, HAM retiring doesn’t make a race an instant classic.) I mean, I didn’t even really feel like sleeping to be honest, I stayed up. I took naps… and stuff to stay awake but, I guess I didn’t need to in the end. Well anyway, like if you liked the video, subscribe for more videos in the future, share the video if it’s not too much trouble for you, and thank you all very much for watching, I will see you… on the next race. *beep* (Torgo’s theme from “Manos: The Hands of Fate” plays) *beep* (Love theme from “The Godfather” plays) *beep* (MB): Come back to me, come back to me. (Queen’s “The Millionaire Waltz” plays) *beep* (Fernando Alonso groans in disappointment and dissatisfaction on team radio over missing Q3)

36 Comments

  1. Johannes LaCroix Author

    1978 Swedish Grand Prix, I have to see it, for 3 reasons:
    1: The Fancar
    2: Peterson vs Patrese
    3: It was the first race on the road to present-day F1.

    Reply
  2. LupusAries Author

    "Kvyat came like a….torpedo" tse tschoerman gets torpedoed………."NO, NO, NO, TSISS IS AGAINST TSE RULES! TSE TSCHOERMANS TORPEDO TSE RUSSIANS, NOT TSE OTHER WAY ARROUND!!!" 😉

    Reply
  3. Mariaelena Biliato Author

    "In the history of this sport, only 4 drivers have won 6 races in a row. And non of those drivers are Lewis Hamilton"
    I think I want to print it on a t-shirt.

    Reply

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