Dad, why are you massaging the turkey now? Maybe it’s tense.
I’ll make it some tea. I’m doing
a three-day salt rub. I call it Father
of the Brine. Huh? Ha!
Thank you. It’s special since
we’re having Teddy, Mort… (barking)
Aunt Gayle over. I don’t see why Gayle
and her cats have to stay with us all week. She had to vacate her place
because of the fire, Bob. She put her dental dams
in the dryer. What are dental dams? Nothing.
Forget it. Don’t say it at school. Didn’t she used
to only have one cat? Ah, she adopted one
last week. And then she found one
on her way over here. She’s a cat magnet.
Oh, it was so sad. He was just sitting… on someone’s porch,
poor little guy. Just sittin’ there. Just sitting there
in the sun.
Ugh. Ugh, cat hair. Take one of the allergy
pills I got you! Well, Dad, I hope
you’re not allergic to melody and rhythm
and sexy lyrics, ’cause our guests are gonna
love my Thanksgiving song! Ugh. Every year,
I try and tell you guys that no one really sings
Thanksgiving songs. You bite your tongue!
Think about it. Why aren’t there any
Thanksgiving carols? I’m gonna write a classic
and make a million dollars! And then I’m
gonna buy a car! I believe in you, Gene. I’ll be in your…
¶ Song…! Great, but you don’t
get any of the profits, and I’m going to
be very critical. Ha! I love it! (keyboard plays gentle tune)
Well, good luck with your song. And don’t be offended
if everyone’s talking about how great my turkey is
while you’re trying to sing. Sounds like someone’s
afraid of being upstaged. (meowing)
You are. You are.
(sneezes) Oh, God.
Get out of here! Bob, stop hitting my cats!
And God bless you. I’m not hitting them!
I’m petting their rear legs. TINA:
Whoa! I need your opinion
on something. Ooh, I love it! Braveheart meets Coco Chanel! I need to decide
which color I’m wearing when I sit at the adults’ table
on Thursday. No, no lipstick,
too young. And you’re sitting
at the kids table like you always do
when we have guests. Yup, we sit on the floor
at the coffee table and put our vegetables
under the couch. You should look
under there. It’s fascinating now! But I bought pantyhose! And I’ve been working
on Tina’s talking points. How’s this one?
(clears her throat) “In this economy?” Oh, provocative!
That’s it. I… You know, I’m in charge
of Thanksgiving. Gene, Linda,
no song. What?! Tina, no adults table.
Aw! Louise, whatever
do not do it. I need some peace
and quiet. I want to focus
on the turkey. Everyone, just
go to bed. Bob, it’s 6:30. I don’t care!
Just go to bed! You love that turkey more
than you love us! That’s right! I do! I love turkeys! Okay. Now go! (dog barking) (grunting) (birds singing) (muttering) (door squeaks open)
What the…? Oh, my God!
No! Lin! Lin!
What? What happened?
What happened? Wha…? The turkey–
it’s in the toilet! What are you talkin’ about?
You had a bad dream. Go back to sleep.
This is not a dream.
This is happening. (Tina yells)
Tina! There was something in the
toilet, and I sat on it. It was cold, and now I don’t
know if I’ll ever be able to go to the
bathroom again. Oh, my God,
the turkey’s in the toilet! Get off of there!
(yowls) What the cuss word?! Who pooped that, and may
I apprentice with you? What is this,
a pee-pee party? You people are fun,
all going at once! Oh, God. Oh. Aah! Aah!
Get it out of
their litter box! Quick, Bob!
They’re vegetarians! Oh, my God, I’m gonna
barf. I’m gonna b… Oh, my God,
what is happening?! Okay, so really?
No one is going to confess? Louise? It wasn’t me! Louise? It wasn’t! Fine. So, no one,
including Louise, wants to admit
that they did this? I’m giving you guys one more
chance to confess, and then I’m grounding everyone,
including your mom and Gayle. Bobby!
No, it’s fine with me. I don’t have any plans. Bobby, it wasn’t us.
It was Louise. Come on. Or, uh, maybe Gene. (gasps)
How dare you?! I put food in the toilet
the way God intended. It had to be Louise. Unbelievable.
Does everyone think I did it? (all voicing assent) Well, then, I
must be guilty. That’s how it
works, right? Yup. Perfect
system. Well, I have to go
get another turkey. Which means I can only do a two-day brine, which is not as good
as a three day-brine! But I’m not forgetting this. I will figure out who did it. Even though I’m pretty sure we all still think
it was Louise. Make sure you save
room at Thanksgiving for the words
you’ll be eating! Wait. Are you gonna
throw that one out? Yes, Gene, it was soaking
in toilet water. And rolled
in cat feces. Oh, God,
No, no, no. Lin, please!
Oh, my God,
I’m gonna barf! Ugh!
Come on, Mom, Gayle, focus! We’ve only got two days left to make a Thanksgiving song that will be passed down
for generations. And a one,
and a two. Anyone mind
if I turn on the news? Aah! I’m okay. You fell like a real lady. Thank you,
young man. (clears throat)
Hello, hi. Hi.
You look great. Louise,
look at you. Did you do
No. Love it.
Hi. What a nice shirt
you’re wearing. Thank you.
Excellent. I just want to say
that I’ve calmed down from this morning, and
in the spirit of the holidays, whoever did this,
I am granting you a full pardon. Oh, I really thought
that would work. Seriously, who put the
turkey in the toilet?! (laughing):
Oh, Dad. If I may. I’ve taken the liberty of
drawing up a little chart here. Let’s review our suspects. Tina. She’d stop at nothing
for some grownup stuffing. Did her table envy drive her
over the edge? No. Gene. He thinks there’s only room
for one bird at this table. A song bird. (gasps)
Or was it Gayle? Dad went after her cats,
she went after his turkey. Classic revenge tale. Classic. LOUISE:
Or maybe, maybe Linda. Oh, sweet Linda. A long-suffering wife stuck
in a bad marriage. Aw, poor
Lin! What? I got caught up in
the story. She’s good. And that leaves Louise, who had no motive at all.
Thank you. The end. Thank you. What an imagination
on this one, huh? Kids. Mmm. So, do you know
who did it? Oh. No. Uh-uh. Then what’s the point
of all this? Hold on. I just had an idea. Was it you, Gayle?!
Huh? Confess! Damn it, Gayle!
(screams) Or you?! Confess!
You’re guilty as hell!
working. I guess I’ll just never trust
any of you again, forever, for as long as I live. Another great family meeting!
Good night, everyone! Good night!
Good night, Bob! Night, night!
Good night, Dad! Do you want my charts to take
into your room for review? No. Just go to bed then. (grunting)