Candy Store – Heathers the Musical (Enter Stage Left Theater)

Hi honey, I’ve been watching you and thinking
about us in the old days. I hope you’ll come to my homecoming party this weekend. I miss you, Ram. Put an XO after that signature. What is this for anyway? Remember how Ram used to hang with Martha Dumptruck? Yeah in Kindergarten, we all did. We all didn’t kiss on the kickball field. Oh my god, that’s right! I totally forgot, Ram kissed Martha Dumptruck. It was disgusting! Perfect. Ram, c’mere. Yo, what do you think Heather wants? She probably wants you to sit her on your johnson, and spin her around like a goddamn pinwheel! Hell yeah! Punch it in! Be a sweetie and give that to Martha Dunnstock for me. Since when do you talk to that lard-ass? Don’t read it, she’s having an extra heavy flow, and asked for some advice from my gyno. Gross! Uh! Martha’s had a thing for Ram for like twelve years now, this will kill her. C’mon Heather, you’re bigger than this. Are we gonna have a problem? You got a bone to pick? You’ve come so far, why now are you pulling on my dick? I’d normally slap your face off, and everyone here could watch. But I’m feeling nice. Here’s some advice. Listen up, biotch! I like! Lookin’ hot Buying stuff they cannot I like! Drinkin’ hard maxin’ Dad’s credit card I like! Skippin’ gym Scaring her, screwing him I like! Killer clothes Kickin’ nerds in the nose! If you lack the balls You can go play dolls Let your mommy fix you a snack Whoa! Or you could come smoke Pound some rum and coke In my porsche with the quarterback Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Honey, whatchu waitin’ for? Welcome to my candy store Time for you to prove You’re not a loser anymore! And step into my candy store Guys fall At your feet Pay the check Help you cheat All you Have to do Say goodbye to Shamu That freak’s Not your friend, I can tell in the end If she Had your shot She would leave you to rot! ‘Course of you don’t care, Fine! Go braid her hair Maybe Sesame Street is on Woah! Or forget that creep And get in my jeep Let’s go tear up someone’s lawn! Woah! Woah! Woah! Honey, whatchu waitin’ for? Welcome to my candy store You just gotta prove You’re not a pussy anymore Then step into my candy store You can join the team Or you can bitch and moan You can live the dream Or you can die alone You can fly with eagles Or if you prefer Keep on testing me And end up like her! Veronica, look! Ram invited me to his homecoming party See, I told you there was still something there This proves he’s been thinking of me Color me stoked! I’m so happy! Whoa! Honey whatchu waiting for- Shut up Heather! Step into my candy store! Time for you to prove you’re not a lame ass anymore And step into my candy store! It’s my candy store It’s my candy It’s my candy store It’s my candy It’s my candy store It’s my candy store!

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