EXTENDED – David Letterman Went Unnoticed by Hollywood Tourists

Oh, my god. Hi, Dave. Where’s Paul? [LAUGHTER] This is unbelievable. First of all, thank you
very much for inviting me. It’s so nice to be around
famous people again. [LAUGHTER] You know what I mean? Uh huh. I am so depressed. And I don’t– I don’t want to– something happened on
the way to the show. Uh oh. What happened? [SIGHS] You know, they
got these chopped down, we’re going to go look
at celebrity homes buses? Right. They’re everywhere. You know what I’m talking about? They’re– they’re very close
to a kidnapping or renditions. [LAUGHTER] And then they go and
stalk famous people. By the way, nothing will
be shaved here today. So forget that. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHS] So we’re right next– at a light to one of these we’re
going to celebrity homes thing. Right. And it’s got like
18 people in it. And I think, this is
going to be great. I’ll roll down the
window because I used to be a celebrity
and I’ll start screaming at these people that,
hey, look, I’m a celebrity. And can you imagine more fun? No. [LAUGHTER] So we do that. And they look over. And they’re all listening
to tours of, you know. And there’s no glint
of recognition. [LAUGHS] Well, it’s the beard. They have no idea who I am. It’s the beard. And– but– you know, they
wave in a courteous fashion. [LAUGHTER] Like, oh, he’s probably crazy. [LAUGHTER] They’re probably watching
right now when this airs going, that was David Letterman. We blew it. You know, they– [LAUGHS]
they did blow it. Yeah. They had the proper reaction– No, no. –by the way. Absolutely. But, anyway, thank you very
much for your hospitality. Listen, I’ve– I’ve– of course. This, to me, is like when
you had Carson on your show. You being on my
show is a huge deal. So– and I know
you don’t do this. So thank you for being here. Well, I don’t do this– Yeah. [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] Thank you. Uh huh. Where– where were
you in the van? [LAUGHTER] Well that’s a very,
very kind of you to say. But– and my god, I– do people know about your
Netflix stand up show? I hope they saw the
Netflix– it’s Relatable. [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] Some of them may
just be clapping. But some of them saw it. [LAUGHS] They have
the clapping disorder? Right, right. Yes. [LAUGHS] Well, I saw
it the other day. And what a– I mean, it’s
hard to articulate the quality of that presentation. Thank you. And– and the placement– and you become
accustomed, if you see somebody doing
stand up comedy these days, to a certain
level of language that seems unnecessarily primitive. Mhm. And you don’t get that
with this show, Relatable. Except for one– one– perfectly placed moment. And I just thought,
that’s genius. That is genius. Because you’re going
up, everything builds, everything builds, everything
builds, and then, bingo, it’s tremendous. In a sentence that didn’t– it
didn’t need to be there at all. No, but, I mean, the idea
of taking your shoes off at somebody’s house– Yeah. [LAUGHS] – Is just step– is just the
perfect setup and positioning to use the old
hand grenade there. That was great. That was a– thank
you very much. That was like a 30 year setup. Because I don’t curse. So everybody said it was a
big, big setup to finally get to say that word. So– That’s crazy. Because it looks like
the– it’s an opus. And if people haven’t
seen it, too bad. You’ll see it. And then we’ll talk. Thank you. Well, thanks– We’ll talk when I come back. Yeah. [LAUGHS] [LAUGHTER] But, anyway, the thing that I– the thing that– is
that your mother? Yeah. That’s my mom. Wow. How about that? Yeah. There she is. Yeah. Hi, how are you? [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] You know who she looks– She looks like your mom. She looks like my Aunt Hazel. Oh, really? Yeah. She looks like my mother’s
sister, Aunt Hazel. Nice– nice to meet you. Betty. Thank you. Thank you for coming, Betty. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] I think people used
to confuse your mother and my mother a lot. She couldn’t care less. [LAUGHTER] She’s not even listening. [LAUGHS] She’s– she’s listening to
something else probably. All right. So I want to talk to
you because I thought that you were hilarious. Because you started
in stand up– Oh, I am hilarious. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. [LAUGHS] [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] I mean, right? [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] We’re going to take a break. More with Dave after this. Beautiful. Nice audience. You look like you’re about
to leave you’re still here. I’m– I’m uncomfortable. I– I used to do what you do. And now I’m doing
what other people do. And I just– I don’t know. I’m uncomfortable about it. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Don’t be uncomfortable. No, but I mean– Let’s talk about your son. This is– my son. Oh, man. Anybody got any kids? [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] My son, I don’t know
what to tell you. For a long time when
I got to know him, he sounded like he was in one
of those Austrian boys choirs. [LAUGHS] [FALSETTO VOICE] Hi. Hi, Dad. Like that? Right. [LAUGHTER] And one day, I’m sitting in the
living room and, honest to God, I thought the
plumber had come in. [BARITONE VOICE] Hey, Dad. [LAUGHTER] So that’s what we’re
dealing with now. He’s 15, right? No, he’s my age. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHS] [LAUGHS] No, he’s 15. And he– I would– the other
day, it was me and him. Mom was– I don’t
know where she was. She was out of town. She’d been out of town
quite a lot lately. [LAUGHTER] And so it’s me and Harry. And this would give you an idea. I hope to god this is,
generally speaking, what goes through a
15-year-old boy, I hope. Because if not, we’re going
to have start running tests. [LAUGHTER] So I said, hey,
Harry, how you doing? [BARITONE VOICE] Ah, good. I said to Harry– I said, Harry, have
you had breakfast? Harry says, [BARITONE VOICE]
I’m not sure. [LAUGHTER] Kind of a yes or
no deal, isn’t it? Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. Yeah. And he doesn’t like
going places with me, which hurts my feelings. Sure. [CROWD MURMURS SYMPATHETICALLY] I understand his mother not
wanting to go places with me. [LAUGHTER] And I finally– we had
kind of a bit of a dust up. And I said– I said, Harry, what’s the deal? You don’t like
going out with me? Is my beard? And he said, [BARITONE VOICE]
no, it’s your behavior. OK. Well, we got that straight. [LAUGHTER] But– Is he funny? Yeah, he’s really funny. Yeah? He’s really funny. And the best– in fact,
you know, you sat down and you wrote this one hour
10 minute stand up special. I don’t do that. I just wait for my kid
to say something funny. And then I tell
stories about him. And he has– has told me,
[BARITONE VOICE] whatever you do, don’t talk about me. OK. [LAUGHTER] Yeah. [LAUGHTER] So– but this is a
story about how you’d do anything for your kids. And like he’s in
the fourth grade. And they’re studying– Wait. I thought he was 15. [LAUGHTER] Historical. OK. I see. It’s historical. It’s historical. OK. Yeah. The other stuff is
contemporariness– OK. All right. This is historical. OK, thank you. [LAUGHTER] I can– I can understand
your confusion. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Have you had breakfast yet? [LAUGHTER] I’m not sure. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHS] So– [LAUGHTER] Anyway, they’re
studying Easter Island. Anybody here from Easter Island? Huh? Where my Easter Island people? [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHS] So we go out there and
we see the big heads. And then that’s the first day. And then the second day, we go
to the other side of the island and see some more big heads. [LAUGHTER] And then they show us
a head that’s not real. And you got to compare. Wow. [LAUGHTER] Who’s counterfeiting
giant heads? [LAUGHTER] You think to yourself. So, anyway, we’re having
dinner at the restaurant. Very nice place. The only restaurant
on Easter Island. [LAUGHTER] And there’s a drunk guy. A really drunk–
[IMITATES DRUNKEN SLURRING] what are you looking
at? kind of drunk guy. [LAUGHTER] So my son is horrified. He’s just, oh, jeez. What’s happened? And the drunk guy is wandering
around everybody’s table. And the kid picks
up and runs out of the dining room back to his
little cubicle, his hotel room. So we go home from Easter
Island and, oh, the memories. So– [LAUGHTER] About a month later, we get
a call from his teacher. She says, hi, it’s Mrs.
Donnelly, and so-and-so. We understand you took
a trip to Easter Island to see the Maoi, the heads,
the mysterious heads of Easter Island. Yes, yes. Well, you know, Harry
wrote a theme for school about Easter Island. And I just wanted to
check something with you. Oh, sure. What’s that? She said, was he chased out
of the hotel by a drunk guy? [LAUGHTER] We said, yeah. And she said, oh, OK. Because that was really all
he mentioned in the paper. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHS] So– so there
you go, you know? Yeah. What are you going to do? Well, yeah, the heads weren’t
as impressive as that guy. No, no. [IMITATING SLURRING,
UNINTELLIGIBLE DRUNK PERSON] [LAUGHTER] You’re a very good drunk man. Thank you. Hi, I’m Andy. Ellen asked me to remind you
to subscribe to her channel so you can see more
awesome videos, like videos of me getting scared or
saying embarrassing things, like ball peen hammer. And also some videos of
Ellen and other celebrities, if you’re into
that sort of thing. Yah! [SCREAMS] [BLEEP] [MUSIC PLAYING] God [BLEEP]!

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