Articles

Life Sucks – Annoying People at the Movie Theaters.


I’m Max. A decrepitly blighted film that entire teams of tirelessly diligent and hard-working masses, would be nothing without the fucking dude clamorously chopping his teeth up and down on the popcorn next to you. Thanks, man! This movie sucks without you here dearly smearing that carved up slush of butter in your mouth. That’s what I need when I watch a movie— your loud chewing noises. Thanks for also taking this time to unwrap your straws, your candy, and nacho bags during quiet moments of dialogue in the movie. It’s usually not distracting at all, and when it is, I very much consider it a good distraction! And it’d be kind of like if someone was bleeding out in front of me while I’m trying to stop it and then you come up next to me, rubbing your dick on my nose. Thank you for that! That’s a very good distraction right there that is. I needed that. You guys know what I’m saying? And then there’s this thing—OH WOW! What is that?! Is that what I think it is? Is that what the movie theater and several advertisements spent up to 10 minutes telling us to silence, turn off, and put away? Is that what that thing is? Wow! [chainsaw and screaming] Good on you! Good on you! Not being able to spend 2 hours away from your fucking phone. And choosing to sit at the very front of the theater. You fucking god damn moron! I mean… You smart self-less, self-restrained, and self-controlled individual. That’s what I meant to say! I also appreciate that the brightness on your phone is on FULL BLAST! You’re so cool choosing to sit in the front of the theater, aren’t ya? You really don’t care if you’re risking everyone in the vicinity hating you, and looking at you like the little dumbass you are. Fantasizing of all the ways we can disembowel your hands from your wrists so you’ll never be able to hold up that phone again. You are so badass for doing that! Not stupid! Not idiotic! Not moronic! You’re a badass. By all means keep doing what you are doing. I just really hope for your sake that no one in this theater is psychopathic and mentally unstable. And children are just the greatest. Who was the dude who thought bringing their screaming one-year-old to the theater was a good idea? Great on you, parent! Who needs babysitters when you can just let your infant child violently screech in a small room filled with paying customers who came to see a movie? You are really an intuitive parent, aren’t you? I bet you come up with lots of good ideas, don’t you? Like if a baby won’t eat food, you just shove it down its mouth, don’t you? And then there’s the people that walk across the screen. Usually, those people who walk by, I don’t have a problem with. It lasts like a second and they are gone. What I do have to question, though, is why someone decided to buy ten things of food, And lay it out all over the floor for where people are supposed to walk. How the fuck do you think I’m supposed to get through you? And you look at me like, “You better not step on my food.” Like it’s my fault that you decided to get a titanic plethora of meals and ass-blasting yourself to oblivion. And then you still have your yet-to-be eaten hot-dogs, popcorn, and pickles all over the floor like no one is gonna have trouble going to the bathroom in a narrow platform. Then again, it’s not your fault that I drink water and stayed hydrated. So fuck me, right? (Talking Noises) Oh, oh, what’s that? Is that something you want to share with the whole class? No, it’s okay, it’s not like I’m trying to pay attention to the story-line of this movie that we are watching. You don’t have to be silent or quietly whisper—PLEASE keep talking in your outside voice. Keep proving yourself to be unfit for modern civilization. It’s not like you’re causing agitation to people who don’t want to be agitated. OH! Is—Is that a laser pointer? Who the—Who the fu—Okay. Tootles

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *