Please welcome this week’s special guest, Neil. APPLAUSE So, Warwick, what is Neil to you? Well, this is Neil and he paid me to jump out of a tree in the park and propose to his girlfriend whilst dressed as an Ewok. LAUGHTER Paul, how do you know Neil? This is Neil, he’s my neighbour and when he goes on holiday I look after his parrot and take it out in the cage for a walk. LAUGHTER And finally, Lee, what’s your relationship with Neil? This is Neil, and to prove my manhood I once assaulted a Womble in front of him. LAUGHTER So there we have it. Warwick’s park proposer, Paul’s parrot-walking neighbour or Lee’s Womble witness. David, where do you want to begin? Where to begin. Yes, so Warwick. Yes. Clarify exactly the transaction that you underwent with Neil. He paid me to dress as an Ewok and propose to his girlfriend. So, but if YOU proposed to his girlfriend you then might have to marry his girlfriend. LAUGHTER No, it was on his behalf, I mean himself and his girlfriend were huge Star Wars fans. So you have got the costume at home just all the time. Well, I was given one after working on the film. – Oh, they give you one.
– You want to get that on eBay. Then you wouldn’t have to jump out of trees and propose to people. LAUGHTER You’re obviously a successful actor. You know obviously been in Star Wars and you must have been doing better than having to pick these little jobs like this up. – Well, yeah, but I mean…
– He’s here, isn’t he? LAUGHTER There are sort of ups and downs in any actor’s career. I’ll say it again, he’s here, isn’t he? LAUGHTER What was your line, what did you have to say? Well, I hopped out of the tree and I went, “Yup yup,” which is Ewok language for “yippee”. LAUGHTER And I said, “On behalf of Neil, will you marry him?” And thankfully she said yes and then he came out from behind the bush. Just, I don’t… LAUGHTER So the girl was in a park by herself, he’s hiding behind a bush. He’s not with her that day. No, no, no, no. You jump out of a tree dressed as an Ewok saying, “Yup yup,” and she stayed still and waited to hear the rest of the sentence! LAUGHTER No, Neil and I had organised it. She always went this way home from work. So she was walking home from work as well. – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
– Was it after dark? – No, no, no, it was in the summer.
– OK. – So you knew she’d pass that particular tree?
– Yes. Yes. And what was her name? Tracy. – That is a name.
– That is a name. LAUGHTER So you just walk away, leaving the two lovers together and you just go home and feel mission accomplished? That’s an image, isn’t it, them kissing and in the distance a little Ewok walks away like that, and a little wave. Mission accomplished. Just as he goes over the horizon. “My job here is done.” LAUGHTER Yeah. As he’s giving out the leaflets for the local restaurant. LAUGHTER And did you get an invite to the wedding? Yes, I did, yeah. – You did, and did you go?
– No, I didn’t go. No. There was no money in that. LAUGHTER And how did it come about? How did you, how did they get in touch with you and…? Well, Neil came to a Star Wars convention that I was at and I had, I knew him when I was a kid. I didn’t really remember him but then when he asked me, “Look I’m going to propose to my girlfriend, she’s a huge fan,” you know, and offered me some money to do it, I mean I… # That’s what friends are for. # LAUGHTER Had there been a progression of, like… Did he start with Hans Solo and go, right, he don’t want to do it. All relationships start with hands solo. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, well, let’s move on to Paul. – Now, Neil is your neighbour…
– ..and he owns a parrot.
– Yes. Why does the parrot need walking? It needs to get out in the fresh air. So you walk down the road just with the parrot in the cage. Well, he’s actually got, it’s like a… It’s not great exercise for the parrot, that, is it? No, no, it’s to get the air, it’s to get the air and it keeps him… – Couldn’t you just use a hairdryer?
– You could do! LAUGHTER What colour is the parrot? Well, it’s got a blue head and sort of brownsy. – Brownsy?
– Brownsy wings.
– Blue head, brown wings. – Yeah, a little dark down the bottom.
– Sure it’s not a pigeon? LAUGHTER – It’s a bright, it’s bright blue.
– Oh right. I mean, you seem to me too busy to be doing that as well. What does your neighbour do for a job? Poor Warwick, but he doesn’t seem too busy to be doing jumping out of trees! LAUGHTER I think you’d take it into the garden and just let it get some fresh air. No, it’s actually the movement, he wants to see where, you know, around. You could walk round the garden, couldn’t you? You know those washing lines on a pole that spin round? You could just attach it to that and… LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Yeah. And where would you go on this walk, Paul, where? We live, we live in a village. Literally just up the lane at the top there’s a little path which breaks out into the wheat fields. I’m literally, I don’t go as far as I normally walk the dog, but about half way up the field and back. He offered me to have this, like a haversack. It’s weird, and it’s got a connection, you can – actually hold it on your back.
– No way.
– Yes. – In the cage?
– In the cage. – Oh, I thought you meant without the cage and I thought…
– Oh, no!
– ..it could take off. Argh! LAUGHTER – Now, what about Lee?
– So, Lee, the Womble assault.
– Yes. – Tell the story.
– Well, there was a Womble and I… No, there wasn’t, Wombles don’t exist, it’s a lie, OK? It’s not an actual Womble, it’s a toy Womble and the story is I went away on holiday when I was 16 and it was me and Neil and another friend of ours, John, and we went to a little caravan site in Blackpool and I took the Womble with me because I had this Womble since I was a little kid and I don’t know why but I took it on holiday with me and when I opened the suitcase, them two mercilessly took the mickey out of me and I said, “Ha, that old thing, I don’t even know how it got in there.” And to prove my manhood I got a pair of scissors, cut its ears off and then burnt it on the fire, and was devastated, but I tried to show my manhood by just not being bothered. Like I don’t bother about that, so. Did you cry later on? I was crying as I did it inside, but on the outside laughing. It’s a bit like this show. LAUGHTER I will say, Lee, you, to me you’ve never seemed more human. LAUGHTER How did your friends react when you sliced up the Womble with the scissors? Did they go, “Yeah, you’re a great lad,” or did they, or were they… – You and your boy talk.
– I know, I, yeah, yeah. It was a pretty rough comprehensive you went to, wasn’t it, David? Yes, they all said, “You are a great lad,” together, as they chanted and rang their bells at the same time. # You are a great lad, a great lad, a great. # They danced around me and put up the maypole. How did your friends react when they saw you? Did they sort of go, “Oh, yeah, that’s great, ha-ha, “he’s one of the lads still,” or did they go, “Oh, my God, he’s a maniac”? Right. They’re only having a bit of fun going, ah, it’s your Womble, they didn’t expect me to, “No, it’s not.” – Yeah.
– So, you burnt it as well. I burnt his face against the fire in there. – Sorry, I’d forgotten that bit.
– Yeah, oh, yeah. Priceless. “I’d better burn its face so that I seem normal”! LAUGHTER We need an answer, David. Is Neil Warwick’s park proposer, Paul’s parrot-walking neighbour or Lee’s Womble witness? Joan, what do you think? Well, I think if I was a fan of Warwick and the show I would think that would be quite a larky thing to do. I really, I genuinely hope it’s not true about Lee, – cos I think that must have been very upsetting…
– Me too. ..and then it must be very upsetting when the point came and you realised you have to use that terrible moment in your past – on a TV comedy show.
– David, David…
– That must be, that’s… It is series seven, I’m getting desperate. By series 23 I’ll be going, “I had to see a child psychologist cos Mummy left.” LAUGHTER Come on the show with an eye patch on saying, “I blinded myself in one eye before the show.” LAUGHTER Who knows, could it be an eye or a wound? LAUGHTER – I think the parrot one is the least plausible…
– ..for me. I think Warwick’s telling the truth. I think that’s the closest to reality. – I hope it is.
– I think I too think it’s most likely to be Warwick that’s telling the truth. – You think it’s Warwick.
– You think it’s the Ewok, it’s the jumping out of the tree and the proposal. OK. Right, Neil, would you please reveal your true identity? Rob, my name is Neil and I’m a friend of Lee’s and I witnessed the Womble assault. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I think I feel a thousand years older. Thank you very much, Neil. Thank you.