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Top 5 Things All Hallmark Christmas Movies Have in Common

Hello everyone, and welcome back to “‘Winks’ with Cynthia Tiddly.” I’m your host, Cynthia Tiddly, and this
week we’ll once again be talking with Hattie Hepburn, Katharine’s sixth cousin
seven times removed, about why she is not on a Hallmark Channel Christmas Movie.
Welcome back, Hattie! Hello, everyone, it’s me, Hattie Hepburn here again. It’s that
time of year when people sit around watching movies, and, for me, I prefer the
new ones rather than the old ones, even though my cousin, Katharine, loved to make her movies. Still, I like to look at the new ones, like those featured on the
Hallmark Channel — Christmas movies. Sometimes I sit around and think, “My, they
really should be hiring someone more like me for those movies!” So, as a
result, I, I try to understand why they might not be hiring me for those movies,
and I’ve come up with a list of five reasons that I’m really too good for
them. The first thing is the men on them. They
all look like they should be cute, but they’re not. This is constantly
disturbing for me, and I wonder why in a land like Hollywood they couldn’t find
men who were more attractive. I mean, God knows they exist, but apparently not for
the Hallmark Features. They all’ve got features that look good individually but
then they just are thrown on one’s face all at the same time like an upside down
Picasso, and it’s really not appetizing to the female at all…the female of
course being me. Number two is the fact that all the women have a little pet
because they’re all so lonely. Like that’s some kind of a substitute, like
I’d be expecting some kind of bestiality there, which obviously I’m not. Number
three: an obsession with fake snow. Really!
I can’t believe … I can see that it’s fake snow! It’s like you just manufactured it
out of — I don’t know what! Styrofoam! But it’s fake and I can tell! Number four would be the fresh coats of paint on the storefronts on the exterior shots. I
know you just painted them, you set people! Couldn’t you have distressed them
a little bit so that they look like worn, weathered towns where things were
actually happening maybe, I don’t know, 10 minutes ago, rather than just for the set? I mean is there any artistry ever, anywhere? And of course the last would be that there is never any kind of touching,
rather than an accidental bump until the very last 10 seconds in which there is a
chaste kiss between the two main people involved. I mean, we waited for an entire
two-hour period to get to that one kiss! Agh! I mean really. So, of course people
aren’t gonna want to hire me for that. How could anyone wait two hours to, you
know, kiss me? But also, the entire production, really, is beneath me, and I’m
coming to, to, to realize that and to accept it more. But still, I think it would be a
fun diversion. Right, I hope you enjoy your Hallmark Movies! Hattie, thank you so
much. Sour grapes were never more becoming. And thank you, viewers, for
tuning in once again. Please, like the video, subscribe to the channel, and we’ll
see you next Thursday for another episode. Thank You. Cynthia Tiddly. What’s the matter? Doesn’t your finger work? Click the subscribe
button and get a new video every Thursday!

One Comment

  1. Lori Funk Author

    Hattie! You are SO right! Hallmark Christmas movies are so beneath you. With a last name like Hepburn, you deserve to be on the big screen. With a big budget for snow. And only authentically worn-out buildings. And only the most handsomest of gents. And kisses in at least 2/3 of the scenes. And absolutely no animals whatsoever. (Ok, maybe just one reindeer.) Now THAT'S a movie I would watch, I tell ya.


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