What not to do at the Cinema

Hey guys! So, I like going to the cinema. I go quite a lot. In fact, I can actually see my nearest cinema from my bedroom window. Please don’t stalk me. Anyways, so I was thinking about the various experiences that I’ve had at the cinema recently, and I thought I’d share some of them with you. And I’d also like to know if any of you guys feel the same way. Now I love popcorn. A lot. And even though as a kid I used to try to sneak my own sweets in, which went something like, Younger Dan: Hmm, how to sneak this Pepsi into the cinema without them noticing… Haha! Those idiots won’t suspect a thing! Dan: I always buy popcorn. Yet I hate it when people are too noisy, like, a little bit of rustling is fine, but when it’s the quiet, emotional part of the film, and then someone’s just completely obliviously going, (loud smacking sounds and popcorn bag rustling Dan: But this is the thing, I will go to greatly inconvenient lengths to not be someone who does this. So when it gets to the emotional part, and I accidentally find myself with a horrifically large mouthful of popcorn… Movie: No…no…WHY?! Dan: I kinda just leave it in my mouth, and then suck on it silently, so that it slowly and quietly turns into a sugary mush that I can then subtly swallow. …Am I the only one who does this? But crisps, there is no way you can get away with it. No. No. Just no! But this isn’t as bad as the other day, where I reserved a seat, and someone was sitting in it. So I was running a bit late, the film was about to start, we walk into the middle of the aisle, and then sitting in the premium seats that me and my friends had booked, were an extremely fat middle aged couple, whose shopping bags and coats were taking up the next two seats either side of them. Now, my friend Phil doesn’t like public conflict, but when this lady looked up at me like, “There, young whippersnappers… Stupid teenagers, what knife crime vandalism are they planning next?” Shit was gonna go down! And this was pretty much a completely empty cinema, rows and rows of free seats we could of sat in, so my friend looks at me like, Friend: Oh, don’t bother, man, let’s just sit somewhere else. Dan: But that wasn’t the point, it was the principle! Now, I’m aware I’ve painted a picture of myself on here as someone who is quite often prone to doing completely inexplicable, awkward things, but at the same time, I am quite confident and outgoing, so…I had no problem going, Dan: Uh, excuse me. Person: Wot. Dan: Uh, you’re, um…sitting in our seats. Person: Wot? Dan: Uh, yup, that’s seats 12, 13, and 14. Person: …you actually want us to—? Dan: Oh yeah. Begin the very awkward 20 seconds of shuffling past… It was worth it. …So yeah, that happened. Also, I am not afraid to shush people. Not that I’m some cinema Nazi, but if people are being really loud… I will shush. And this seems to be, like, one of those extreme things that people would never do… But a while back, when I saw We Need To Talk About Kevin, it was just me, my friend, and four women sat directly in front of us. That was it. And they’d be nattering all the way through the adverts, which was fine, but when the film started, the beautiful, emotional start to the film, and they were still going, (imitates feminine cackling) I went, “SHHHH! Now the thing was, as we were literally the only other people in the room, it wasn’t as anonymous as it could’ve been. Especially for my friend, who was like, Friend: You did not just do that! Oh my god, oh my god, I don’t know you, I don’t know you. Dan: Or the gang of annoying 10-year-old boys, that were in front of me when I went to see The Woman In Black the other day. I was sitting there, in my appreciation of fine cinema mindset, and they were SO LOUD! And they kept laughing when it was supposed to be suspenseful… And I was so ticked off, I was seriously considering throwing my drink at their heads, like, I was actually about to, when an old lady, who was sat in front of them, turned around and shouted, “Excuse me! Do you know you’re in a film?!” And I was like, “Fuck yeah, go Grandma, you show those kids, unh!” And they shut up. Like, I’m a nice, friendly, extremely unintimidating polite guy, I just guess some things irk me. Like stupid people. Now, I’m not being mean, I just mean really, REALLY stupid people. Who have working voice boxes. Now, some of you may remember this from when I tweeted it, but when I was watching Paranormal Activity 3, there were these two girls sat in front of me, and they were the most tremendously dense people I have ever seen. And this is what I overheard. Movie Person: Say happy birthday, sis! Stupid Girl #1: So are they sisters? Stupid Girl #2: I dunno, I think so. Movie Person: So you’re okay with babysitting the kids tonight? Other Movie Person: Oh, yeah, yeah, that should be fine. Stupid Girl #1: I don’t get it. Stupid Girl #2: Wot? Stupid Girl #1: Is she her babysitter? Stupid Girl #2: I dunno, I think so. Stupid Girl #2: Oh my god. Stupid Girl #1: I don’t get it, what’s happening? Stupid Girl #2: She’s being possessed, innit? Stupid Girl #1: What’s that mean? Stupid Girl #2: The ghost has possessed her! Stupid Girl #1: Yeah, wh-wh-what does that mean? Movie Person: Hey, so how’d ya like the new camera? Yeah, I think this’ll be good at catching it. Stupid Girl #1: I don’t get it, why’s he filming everything? Stupid Girl #2: I dunno. Dan: Are you joking? WHAT? PLEASE don’t procreate, just end your genetic line now. PLEASE. Or people who text in films. Like, I remember this one girl, during Avatar, And I was like, “You paid, like, a million quid to watch Avatar in 3D for four hours, and you’re sat there on BBM? Just glowin’ up the whole room?” What the fuck? WHAT? So, like, I don’t know. Is it just me with all these things, or do you guys have any funny cinema stories? You can tell me in the comments, or you can leave a video response if you’re old school. And I will see you guys soon. Ciao!

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